This second round is proving kind of amazing.
I feel SO much better.
Almost like a normal person.
As much as I know what normal is, anymore.
First of all, on Saturday, I managed to get the front hedge trimmed. Up and down the ladder with the hedge clippers for 2 hours. Exhausting. But I’ve been looking at that hedge all winter wishing I’d managed to do it last fall, and wondering if I was going to have to hire someone.
I was tired, and because we had a Sounders game to go to that night, I figured I’d better take a nap or I’d never survive the Sounders game. Usually they take so much out of me that I’ve been dreading going.
But for the first time in forever, I couldn’t fall asleep for a nap. And this is really huge, because I can fall asleep anytime anywhere at the drop of a hat, if given the chance. So that was weird. My body was tired, but the rest of me was ok.
And then we left for the Sounders game. Usually I’m fried just from the drive through Seattle traffic, as a passenger; by the time we get there, I’m ready to be done.
But… the ride was fine. I actually listened to the music on the radio, which I normally tune out because the world is much too noisy for me – I can’t handle music these days, all I hear is static for lyrics… I can handle music with no lyrics sometimes, or songs I used to know the words to, but most music just wears me out.
This was different and new: I actually heard the words and not just noise.
Seriously you don’t know what you are missing until it comes back, I think.
At the stadium, I was also fine. I didn’t feel claustrophobic in the crowd like I usually do. I wasn’t annoyed by the non stop bickering of the kids sitting behind us like I normally am. I wasn’t wishing for ear plugs because the stadium was too loud for my nerves. And I was genuinely happy to run into friends instead of feeling like I needed to fake being happy to see them. AND I was able to watch the game and follow it and enjoy it, instead of wishing I was anywhere but there.
Seriously, you don’t KNOW what you are missing until it comes back!
Then, Sunday I was signed up to be an alternate at our democratic caucus. The last caucus I went to was so stressful that I almost left, but because the room was so jam-packed full of people, I couldn’t see a way out to the door. So I hunkered down and stayed. Wishing I was anywhere but there.
So you can imagine my surprise when again I was in a crowded gym, with insanely poor organization and confusion, some hostile people and a lot of noise, for over 5 hours… and I was FINE. Fine. I was fine. I was able to talk to people, get my questions answered, feel like I was a part of the process and not an outsider observing.
I was fine.
Tired. The caucus was exhausting, but I was not uniquely exhausted. Everyone was exhausted.
I could get used to this. Sure hope it continues like this for the most part at least. I need to remember this the next time I’m off round and it’s so hard again. This isn’t easy, but it’s going to be worth it.
As long as I can baby my adrenals and keep this up, it’s going to be ok.